Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A life less ordinary

So I randomly realized today that I don't need to be in a  relationship at this point in my life. That I'm really okay being alone, despite the occasional and for some periods of frequent despair I may feel about being alone. It was completely random and I was simply cleaning something in the office when I came to the thought. It's odd though... looking back... there was no internal dialogue that would lead up to it. Rather than a thought process, it was a feeling. It struck me, left it's imprint, and left. Now as I dissect I wonder if i have some type of chemical imbalance that creates random synapses in my brain to fire at times. Then again that randomness is natural in everyone...

So of relationships... my roommate and girlfriend got in another fight. It seems more than fifty percent of the time I see them together, they are fighting. Today, I heard them fighting as I approached my door. Soon after she stormed out and looked pretty upset or pissed. The other day, I get home and she had just cried a lot. There were tissues on the coffee table and even more in the garbage. I just think... what could they possibly fight about. Is it that important that they can't talk and work things out? And if they both feel that they can't or don't want to compromise, then why continue? The simple answer seems to be that neither want to be alone. Maybe I only notice cause of my fixation on being alone and in general, that which I don't have. Maybe I can help people realize what they have in a relationship. Though it seems counter-intuitive for a person with little relationship experience to give advice of that nature, it makes sense that those need a different perspective to move forward.... which brings me to a new point... what new perspective do I need to move forward? My fight is a bit different though. I don't seek a relationship per se but rather some thing to bring a similar type of fulfillment that people often find in relationships.. Something to stabilize myself... something that will continually give me another opinion... something constantly changing and growing yet consistent in another dimension... I suppose when I put it like that... another person would be the easiest way to satisfy that.

Perhaps travel... i was thinking today of my future options (short term). I hiked with this random guy, Ramos, on Laie Trail yesterday. He told me about his hikes and backpacking adventures on the big island. So today I began the search for a viable way for me to live on Big Island. Maybe another island... Maui has plenty of waterfalls to search for... maybe that will be a goal... scour the earth for waterfalls. I do need a more functional career if I am going to be all over the world. A trade or skill that is useful to any culture. I need to get past the fact that I need a well paying job and this pressure implemented by myself that I need to finish a formal education in some type of specialized field like accounting or engineering. My past only shows that those paths have not worked. Not to say that they won't in the future but it doesn't make sense for me. Becoming a pilot sounds intriguing but I question if my intent is just another childhood fantasy (though flying a plane was never one in the past). It would help me scout if I were really going to hunt for waterfalls. Then again it would also be useful to have a lot of wilderness survival techniques. Maybe I watch too much Man vs. Wild.

Wow just did some brief research on helicopter piloting. Unfortunately, training via the Coast Guard is pretty much out. By the time I finish the education requirements, I will not be able to satisfy the age requirements. Plus it's an 11 year obligation after that. Have to go to a private school. Let's play with this though for awhile, I know I can do it. It's just a question if I want to. Actually, it's a question if I can commit to it or if I'll be gazing out of a helicopter and decide to take up hang gliding or something.

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