Friday, January 22, 2010

After thoughts

So I'm back in New Jersey. I remember, upon the descent of my plane ride, looking through the window, noting the lack of green, the lack of ocean, the lack of what I knew was life. After being in Hawaii for a year, it's odd being in a place where the only landscape is residential, commercial, and industrial areas. The only life here is human life and there's a drought of nature. I was sitting in my car, late night, stars out, sunroof open, thinking. I left I place I loved. Then quickly jumped to the opposite (as you may have noticed, my mind can be erratic), I originally left a place I hated. Just as anyone would expect, one was overly freeing and exhilarating and the other disappointing. I can't say it's all bad. It's good to reconnect with family and friends. Well I wouldn't say reconnect for all my friends. Some encounters don't quite feel like a reconnection. Rather, it's a simple touch up of a past friendship. A visit to the past, something I left behind. Others have a greater bearing.. 2 1/2 hours of conversation about nothing and everything at Dunkin Donuts. I had a great time! Thanks Nance.
I don't know. I'm having mixed feelings about being back. All too quickly did I settle back into old habits of playing video games and out drinking and playing pool. It reminds me of why I left. There's little that holds my interest here. Some would argue that it's not the environment that matters but what you make of it. I agree to a slight degree but I've already passed judgment that I cannot retract at this moment. There is nothing that I can make of this place.I suppose another factor that sways my thoughts is my lack of a profession. Though not fully unemployed, I seem to be in a quasi grey area, working part time for my old company, yet having a lot of time on my hands. I liked having time on my hands in Hawaii. I would just relax at the beach or spend a day trying to figure out where to hike and it would be an all day thing. Here, it's not the same. Being unemployed, not by choice, must be stressful. People's profession give them a sense of pride and purpose. Many define themselves in respect to their profession. Though it's something that I am trying to move away from, I understand why. In addition, some financial freedom and a way to support themselves and others. Without it, people must find another outlet. What happens when they don't and cannot find another job? Without a sense of purpose, there's little motivation to do anything. On top of the financial debilitation, well I can't quite imagine some people's reaction to losing a job and unable to find work. I feel better after rationalizing it, realizing I could be in a much worse position.
I'm off to Colorado soon. At this point, the anticipation has ceased and I just want to get there. I'm looking forward to soft powder, something I'll need to break my fall while I try to advance my snowboarding. A glades that I can weave through, bowls to speed down, and moguls to challenge myself. I worry about finding a job over there but know that worse case scenario, I come back here or even to Hawaii in an environment I know to stabilize. Good night!

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