Thursday, November 10, 2011

... and on

I can't even remember where I left off... it's only been 30 minutes and my thoughts are already gone... it's weird.. it's always something i've proud of... the fact that I don't remember... i know I could so easily go back a re-read but.... I won't. By the way, Ruffles is safe, sitting next to me on my bed.

I don't know why I can so easily express my thoughts on a written medium, whether it be an email, paper, or a blog.... often in person, I'm at a loss for words. But now, they are spilling out, overflowing onto the page. And it's not so much for anyone else but me...

so earlier today... i just had this thought, I'm losing it. And now that I see it written down, I'm no longer in that state and there are so many things I need to define and I need to dissect it but for now.. I'll try to recall my stream of consciousness (kinda ironic considering how I started this post). I just felt like... getting back to zero.... I don't even know what that means... I was taking a step back and seeing my life. I shouldn't be in an office... I need to roam. What happened about going to Alaska or New Zealand or walking across the country. I suddenly have vivid memories of Into the Wild. That's a lie. Few of my memories are vivid and certainly not one of a movie. But seriously, why am I back here? And whenever I ask that, I know my exact thoughts on coming back... to see if something could ever be... to see if that one person is in fact that one person. Yeah I rushed back to dog sit Maya when Nancy and Jason went away but that was simply coincidence and gave me a reason to come back immediately (in like 37 hours too... I'm very proud of that for some reason.... come on Avon, CO to West Orange, NJ... that's impressive). And a year and half later, I still haven't found that answer. Or I have and refuse to believe it. I really did come back for you Valentina. I hesitate... hesitate to print that... and hesitate to delete that.. but I try to write as if it were in stone. There's a certain honesty about writing like that. I have these ideas of  settling down, focusing on a career, finding a house, and living out a peaceful life with her by my side. I know its a bit extreme to think like that when you're so far from it... perhaps a bit psychotic. Is a dreamer psychotic? At what point is dreaming harmful. But it seems, I'm no closer to my answer than when I first got here because I refuse to hear what I've been told. There's a part of me that wants to keep on fighting... fighting for what I want. It's a selfish part of me. I am such a fool to believe in such things. Should it be so difficult.... doesn't that make it so much sweeter though? Or does it make it ... ... looking for a word... and as Santos and Johnny starts playing... maybe I'm sleep walking. In that sense, what happens if I wake up? Will I determine that every thought I've had and action to be nothing more than a fantasy? Am I supposed to suck it up... settle down... climb a corporate ladder or start my own business... settle for someone that I'm not absolutely crazy about... and be content with that. It just doesn't seem right? Maybe that's my nightmare. And all this time while trying to figure this out, I feel like I'm standing still... ... more so that I've returned to where I was before... I always come back here. It's good to reflect but disturbing to be back here.

And it seems after all this... I'm at peace again.

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