The beginning

Hawaii is beautiful... absolutely beautiful. Warm weather, sunny skies, fresh air. I usually don't like beaches and sunshine and deal better with cold stagnant polluted Jersey air but... I gotta say it's nice out here. Not sure if it's cause I'm in Waikiki, a tourist area, but people seem nice. Or maybe they reacting cause I find myself being nicer to the general public out here. In NJ I probably wouldn't have cracked a smile when asking or stopped to talk about anything or nothing. Either way, Hawaii is beautiful.



Just look at the place i'm staying at.

Just kidding, it's not that nice. It's a hostel which is actually right behind the building above. It's really cheap and it shows. So I find myself in a place i never have been abandoning some basic conveniences that I took for granted. A comfortable and secure home. The hostel is dingy, unsanitary. Even though John and the other dorm roommates seem nice enough, i find myself never leaving anything of value in the room. My laptop, wallet, electronics stay in my bag with me at all times. I've also given up what never seemed to be a luxury, face wash and hair gel... it just seems unnecessary at this point. Soap is enough. On top of it all, I've seen roaches. Not those giant ones but maybe a 1.5 cm long. It took me half the night to get over the thought that they'd probably be crawling over me in my sleep. I haven't really slept much anyway the first night. 2 hours here, down to the beach, 2 hours again, a call from a familiar voice. No pillow and i opted out of a blanket but I think i'll grab one tonight. Today begins the hunt to solve these housing issues... hopefully i can take a look at some places and find a nice roomate to move in with. Enough with the logistics though.

I'm not really sure what i'm doing here and need to allow myself more time to adjust before making any judgements about what i've done. Yesterday was a mixture of awe and curiousity, touring Waikiki, sitting on the beach, stopping for brief moments to watch a sidewalk performer, or anything else that was available for entertainment. There was a musical performer, guitar, had a mellow style like jewel and a pleasantly sad voice. There was also a japanese couple sitting in front of her and she had mentioned that it was her honeymoon. She made the announcement and sang Utada Hikaru's "First Love." I was surprised, happy, sad, and comforted by the song.

Overall, yesterday morning was an adventure. Everything new was different which is good. But by night, i found myself just wanting to talk to the next person from home (well not really, you'll see my comment at the end). As the night progressed, i first spoke Nancy when i landed in Honolulu briefly but had to cut it short as I had to find my way to Waikki. I can't believe that was yesterday. Later I called Christina the moment I knew she would be out of work. Then later i texted Valentina to call me on her way to work which would be at 2 a.m. here. As i should have known, life at work is going on without me which is logically what i wanted. Then again the world doesn't revolve around me... but mine does. I don't want anyone to care... or do I? *what do you know... the only people i talk to about stuff like this are girls... guess things don't change much*

Someone told me something along the lines that life is never gonna always be happy. It's something I never accepted. It shouldn't be that way. There has to be a way. I don't think there is. But I'm finding she's right. You just have to find more happy moments.

Maybe this place will change me. Who knows. I mean even doing something like this, a blog, is out of my character. Irionically, now that I'm thousands of miles away, my life is gonna be an open book. I feel like such a tourist today. The kind I probably would have laughed at before. Well I still do. I never realized how many Japanese tourists are here. The place is highly marketed to them and a lot of things in Waikiki have Japanese and English. Then there's the whole taking everything for granted. Maybe it'll give me a better perspective. I'm still stubborn on that one though and think the attitude will take longer to change.

TO MY FAMILY:
I'm sorry it was so abrupt and i'm sorry for making you sad. If it was less impulsive I don't think i would have left and I don't think that would have been good for me. And it's not that I'm pushing you away, I dropped everything. It's just i have troube talking to you because all I feel is guilt when I do but I'm not changing my mind either yet. Sorry Uncle Peter for the airport. I can say don't worry all I want but that doesn't change anything. As you can see I have to figure this out and work on the family thing as well. It'll get better, I just need to figure it out and I'm good at puzzles but usually unconventional (as Al pointed out) in my methods.