... and on

I can't even remember where I left off... it's only been 30 minutes and my thoughts are already gone... it's weird.. it's always something i've proud of... the fact that I don't remember... i know I could so easily go back a re-read but.... I won't. By the way, Ruffles is safe, sitting next to me on my bed.

I don't know why I can so easily express my thoughts on a written medium, whether it be an email, paper, or a blog.... often in person, I'm at a loss for words. But now, they are spilling out, overflowing onto the page. And it's not so much for anyone else but me...

so earlier today... i just had this thought, I'm losing it. And now that I see it written down, I'm no longer in that state and there are so many things I need to define and I need to dissect it but for now.. I'll try to recall my stream of consciousness (kinda ironic considering how I started this post). I just felt like... getting back to zero.... I don't even know what that means... I was taking a step back and seeing my life. I shouldn't be in an office... I need to roam. What happened about going to Alaska or New Zealand or walking across the country. I suddenly have vivid memories of Into the Wild. That's a lie. Few of my memories are vivid and certainly not one of a movie. But seriously, why am I back here? And whenever I ask that, I know my exact thoughts on coming back... to see if something could ever be... to see if that one person is in fact that one person. Yeah I rushed back to dog sit Maya when Nancy and Jason went away but that was simply coincidence and gave me a reason to come back immediately (in like 37 hours too... I'm very proud of that for some reason.... come on Avon, CO to West Orange, NJ... that's impressive). And a year and half later, I still haven't found that answer. Or I have and refuse to believe it. I really did come back for you Valentina. I hesitate... hesitate to print that... and hesitate to delete that.. but I try to write as if it were in stone. There's a certain honesty about writing like that. I have these ideas of  settling down, focusing on a career, finding a house, and living out a peaceful life with her by my side. I know its a bit extreme to think like that when you're so far from it... perhaps a bit psychotic. Is a dreamer psychotic? At what point is dreaming harmful. But it seems, I'm no closer to my answer than when I first got here because I refuse to hear what I've been told. There's a part of me that wants to keep on fighting... fighting for what I want. It's a selfish part of me. I am such a fool to believe in such things. Should it be so difficult.... doesn't that make it so much sweeter though? Or does it make it ... ... looking for a word... and as Santos and Johnny starts playing... maybe I'm sleep walking. In that sense, what happens if I wake up? Will I determine that every thought I've had and action to be nothing more than a fantasy? Am I supposed to suck it up... settle down... climb a corporate ladder or start my own business... settle for someone that I'm not absolutely crazy about... and be content with that. It just doesn't seem right? Maybe that's my nightmare. And all this time while trying to figure this out, I feel like I'm standing still... ... more so that I've returned to where I was before... I always come back here. It's good to reflect but disturbing to be back here.

And it seems after all this... I'm at peace again.

And so on....

So now that I've caught you up with what I've been doing in the past year... onto more pressing matters of my mind. I was talking with Valentina and it was interesting to note how people view themselves... what they ask of themselves.... and I came to the conclusion when I stop for a moment and look at my life... my general question is what should I be doing? Now you can say that's it's all a matter of phrasing and it's really all the same but the question is very different then, "what do I want to do" or "am I okay with what I've done" or "if I had done things differently, how would things be." I suppose it comes down to who you are and differences like if you look at life more in hindsight, the present or future. Not simply that but if you are realistic or a dreamer... whether you are looking for acceptance or looking to break the mold... looking for adventure or to settle down.... Well those scales in particular which are what stand out to me.

So what should I be doing? And the past couple of days that I've asked I am unable to focus. My mind continually vears to what I should not be doing and then to a wider idea of what people should be doing. I've always thought that people should not be stuck behind a desk, staring at a computer, talking on the phone, simply to achieve.... well someone else's goals (that's the first time I've actually been able to formulate that thought into something understandable... I mean that last part of someone else's goals). Me in particular why am I running numbers and reports, looking at an accounts receivable... and the answer is often for the money. It's something I'm capable of doing that provides me money. Even that answer... well it's less than satisfying. Most people in this world supplement that distaste with other things in their life but more and more I don't see that as a viable solution for me. Others, out of necessity. And for few and far, because it's their passion... whether it be the pride in running their own business or working for and towards a specific cause... to be part of a system that yields something great ... or some just to make a shit load of money. At this point, I am not one of those lucky few.

When I left Hawaii, well I had no real expectations. I simply thought I might be traveling a bit and getting by. I didn't even know that my next destination was Colorado and there was no way I could imagine that I'd be back in New Jersey after that. And now I unexpectedly come back to my thoughts from earlier, the reason for starting this blog... in Hawaii, I didn't know what the next day would bring (metaphorically most of the time) but it wasn't even a concern... I found a job, a place to stay and simply lived. I spent much of the first weeks wandering around, literally strolling around downtown or around a new beach slowly stretching out til I covered the island. I went on hikes not knowing where it would end, backpack, some snacks and 2 bottles of water. There were days where I would set out around 9 am and not get back til 10 pm. I didn't know that it would be such a long day but I didn't care either. I take solace in not knowing and not caring. Its a freedom that I am fortunate to have. Which brings me to another point...

I grew up expecting. Like much of the upcoming generations, I was handed everything. Loving parents, a nice house, all the essentials, plus so many amenities... expecting toys and gifts growing up... Transformers to play with and ultimately break... a bike to explore... an allowance... tv... internet... video games... other random electronics... later in life a car... an education.... Many use these as tools to set a standard in their future lives to achieve more...


Well it seems I take it for granted. Its fucked up though. Upon that realization, I have no desire to try to appreciate those things but rather would give everything up. We had this major snowstorm on October 30, 2011 and lost power for 2 or 3 nights. The first night it was a bit shocking... having no power changes everything... by the second night, I had went out and bought a book that is long overdue... sat with ruffles and just read. That next day I was looking forward to be without power and hoped it would continue. In no time though with the return of the grid, I'm back to my normal habits. And now have dreams (or delusions) of being on the road... backpack and dog... and figuring it out... as I go. A simpler life... and back to another earlier thought... it's worked out quite nicely as I'm actually getting to the points I've wanted to express....

I just want to know that what I do and how I do it makes a difference... and people will argue that it does. My employer may say that without me things would be tougher or that I'm doing a great job or what not.... but as much as I like that type of acceptance from an employer... it isn't enough. The doctor I work for... He helps so many people with their lives. He really does care and sacrifices much of his time and energy to do so. To save on time, it is his passion. I literally cannot imagine what that feels like. I understand it's not a feeling that persist through every moment of the day. There are frustrations around all the time varying from a patient who does not want to help themselves, a hopeless patient, or simply an idiotic patient who does not need his services. At the end of the day though, when he takes a step back, he is happy and proud to be a doctor.

okay.... to be continued... Ruffles is whining and wants my attention... we'll start with a walk in the part behind my house....i'll probably let him loose in the baseball field... he'll run out and i'll lose him for like 30 minutes (which has been agonizing in the past... 30 minutes without your dog who is always by your side feels like an eternity especially when you don't know where he is).. but i trust he's happy chasing deer and running freely, hope that he does not get in an accident (it's late and a quite neighborhood so I doubt it but my mind jumps to the worse case scenario at times), and he has always returned home.

Ruffles Wu

So, where to begin it's been over a year since I last wrote... and what have I been doing... well not so much of anything. I have a dog!!! Ruffles!!! On June 12th my friend Joe Deguzman and I ended up going to the Best Friends' Foundation pet adoption at the Livingston mall. I had been thinking about getting a dog and for the most part avoided the thought because I wasn't really situated yet... I didn't want the responsibility... and I didn't think I could give a dog the life I'd want to give him/her. Nonetheless, that day I went home with a dog...


Introducing!!!!

This his before I even decided at the pet adoption drive... he's a funny looking guy. He was like 35 lbs back then. Just a good ol' mutt.

 Ruffles at the vet a week later

 He doesn't seem to happy there but look at those big floppy ears!!!!

So he's been occupying most of my time now. He's a solid 60 lbs, loves to run and wrestle with other dogs, chase squirrels and chipmunks (sorry Nicole. Look at this way, he loves chipmunks too!!). He's very attached and so am I. We go on hikes (not really a hike compared to my hikes in Hawaii) in the local reservation, the dog park and just chill at home like so....

And like I said he likes looking for chipmunks....

 

and running in the snow. Sorry can't upload the video it's too big. Either way I think you get the point, we spend a lot of time together.

 Ruffles Puppyupolous or so I like to call him.