I need to write... i need to write...

I've been so distracted with life and work and settling back into living in New Jersey... or is it the other way, rather than distracted, I've simply living. I haven't had time to think... to take a step back and see what's going on. I miss having that. I had so many nights in Hawaii... just pondering about life... often thinking about how great it felt being there... where I was gonna go next... what other adventures I could find. I always came back to the same conclusion. The sound of the ocean at night... it's calming... it's as if everything is in the right place.

I've been thinking about the choices I've made in my life. Often times, in attempts to think everything through, I eventually conclude I'm going to go with where life takes me... a leap of faith... and in a flash, life changes. I came back here for a reason... to find out something... and slowly I'm coming to a conclusion that I'm less than happy to accept. Things don't seem to be going anywhere in that respect... hope floods my mind.. provoking action... instilling patience... giving these moments of bliss, mine and mine alone... then as quickly as it came... it recedes.... I come back to the same daunting conclusion. Is this what I came here for? To find out this? To find out and move on? I sidestep back....  I won't give up... ill fight for this... it's meant to be this way. Yet in the back of my mind, I slowly draw my contingency.

Now I question, am I half heartedly chasing her? Have I already lost enough hope that it's spoiled my plans. If so I'm in the wrong place. Nothing should be done half heartedly. That's by absolutism speaking that often conflicts with more logical ways to approach life. Perhaps knowing that reveals that my heart is elsewhere... not in a person... but an ideal. Nonetheless, what rewards me in life is chasing my lucid dreams. If one fades... i'll find another... rather I'll make another.