Settled

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Alright... not much going on now. Pretty settled in... got a lot of free time on my hands and i'm kinda been bumming out recently.... yeah so the pics... got a new ceramic knife... looks really cool... i was considering a damascus looking one but it was too expensive... anyway this thing is pretty sharp and light weight... well balanced... i wouldn't use it if i were in a resturant cause I heard it could chip if you drop it or something but no need to hone or sharpen it.... still pretty sharp after a couple of weeks... then again a regular chef knife would still be sharp at this point....
and also a pic of a home cooked meal... now that's a dinner... takes too long to cook everyday though...

as for me... same old... just working... boss is kinda getting to me... he's a nice guy but always says "we have to do this" or that... and he really means me... he's never around which is nice so i'm playing the office manager... accounts payable... accounts receivable... and clerical roles of the office... small office though so isn't as bad as it seems... 4 people and everyone is 1099 so don't have to deal with too much in regards to benefits or anything like that....

so i'll be back in about a week for a couple of days then heading up to montreal for my bro's bacheor party.... jeez... still gotta think of a speech... might be a problem... have no idea what to say... i'll make it short and serious... let his other friends make the funny speech.... they know him better anyway...

so i've had a lot of time to just think about life lately... i think i tend to just go in circles in my head... it doesn't ever really lead to anything.... here's something i wrote the other day but couldn't post cause i lost my internet connection that night.... enjoy....


So I still no what I'm doing here... what I'm supposed to be doing.... well what is anyone supposed to do. Some people feel that they are supposed to grow up, get married, have kids and die. Others have their calling... following their hobby and making it their life... perhaps an athlete or an artisan of some sort. And it's usually not a single thing but a balance between creating and maintaining a family and also following what they believe or a passion. I see that most people lack this... passion... myself included... an underlying drive to move in a direction... to follow something to the end regardless what lies in your path... a blind faith in someone or something... people often just settle... find someone to be with... find a job... and from there most have their hands tied... they have no energy both physically and mentally to pursue anything else... they are consumed with just keeping up with what is there... and for some that is their passion... that family is the most important... that everything else is trivial compared to the ties of family... just like this is trivial as I am left with the question....what am i supposed to do?


maybe it's not a question of what I'm supposed to be doing but a question of what I want to do... well it can be one in the same... in my case i'm not sure... i always feel that what i want to do... is not what i am supposed to do.... or is it the other way around... that if i am not supposed to do something, that i want to do it more.... forbidden fruit... but i would still need to define what i am supposed to do or not supposed to do... people just justify things to themselves but if you ever really question it, is there any really logic or support for it... it seems everything is based upon emotion... that things are rationalized rather than jusitfied.... that the reason for taking any action is different in hindsight.... that doesn't make sense yet we all do it... so what do i want... something to chase... something to be passionate about... to have blind faith in what i am doing is right or blind faith that i am supposed to be with someone. Then I think... is that just ignorance.... blindly following something without any logic.... things have to make sense... otherwise it's chaotic and random... which irionically i like... but i'm binded to this idea that everything should make sense. It doesn't matter whether it's good or bad.... happy or painful... as long as it makes sense...

so what do i want... not sure... i want to... not worry about money... most just pursue a stable job and get trapped in a rat race.. there has to be another way. Life shouldn't be about chasing money... wealth is just a representation of how well off someone is... but i think it's a lousy measurement... but how do you escape it when it's become a necessiy in life... what do i want... i'm looking for that.... i want greatness... not necessarily in wealth.... or the normal concepts of life... to be absolutely great in one respect to the point where nothing else matters.... unfortunately the way i live life proves the opposite.... that i am not searching for just one thing... that i'm far from that goal... and just searching... jumping from various states of mind... caught up in logistics and economics.... getting by.... why... cause i haven't found what i'm passionate about.... but that's a rationalization rather than a justification....

why did i come out here... because i was sad... because i felt that there was no future for me there... that if i continued... no... that i could not continue without some drastic change... or is it a change for adventure.... to find something.... to see what's out there... i've found that environment plays little role in this search.... Hawaii doesn't necessarily have anything to offer me than does NJ but there is no other way to know other than to find out for yourself (yes i have issues in understanding and trusting what others say to the point where i have to learn the hard way and experience it for myself but i've found out it's the best way to learn because it becomes engrained in your mind and you actually have an understanding of what you learned rather than blindly trusting someone else... which will slow me down in life... but it's what i believe... or it's just a way to rationalize my actions?)... but it's too soon to make that decision... and i haven't really given it much of a chance yet... it's been short of one month out here.... and it wouldn't make sense to make a judgement without giving it more time....